Sunday

wife and child are out for the day. rideing trains. Ive had "fearful" on the phone, shes in bits, and i fear what she will say to the family. She makes "sugestions" that will offend them and cant, despite what she claims, keep a secret, she gosips like a demon. A friend of hers seems to be organizeing a "wake" which is typicaly fo-irish of them, old hippies that they are. I wanted no part of it really.

lady gardener came round after tentative call, i think shes worried about me. had chat and tea. She fell out with our friend over a boy friend. basicly he was with our friend and she fancied him. She heard he'd broken up and shagged him that very day...only roumours of a brake up were a little exagerated. She was gagging for it. I told her she must go to the funeral, im hopeing for a big crowd, some suport.

Then Born again phoned, wanted us to go round to sait in her garden drinkign tea, but im enjoying being alone right now.


Years ago just before i went to collage, i had a friend called john. he was old and had fort in the war up thro Italy and now he had cancer and a heart condition, his wife was germen, a Chelist who excaped the nazies to london when 14, her whole family were asocoated with the sociel democrats and died in concentration camps. He looked at me one of the last days i saw him alive, while i described how i had panic attacks. anyway he looked at me and said.."you have had great sadness in your life, i can see it in your eyes"....which goes to prove, not saying much and pretentding to be moody for your own ends, works. people draw the conclusion they want to... at that time i had nothing to feel hard done by at all. Latter that day i told him i was going to collage because it was better than being on the dole (as i was).. and he had a go at me over wasting the governments money etc. he took me for a drink and forced me to drink a double whisky (i dont drink) at the Cherry trees pub. He drank Sainsburys whisky and kept a bottle in his car, he was probably drunk a lot of the time really.. the last time i saw him he was in a grotty ward in hospital. A porta cabin that leeked, full of sallow skinned old guys breathing hard. I said to me.."your right lad, you take them fookers for all the fookin money you can, fooking baaaastards"