monday

Our friends hat, layed on the ground by her grave. It was on the coffin in the church. This image makes me want to cry.


Spent morning going round estate agents, getting apointments to view for valuation on our friends house. And a couple of letting agents for latter in week. In bed last night the wife talekd about it all and it occured to me and her that selling house woull have to bring in enough, not only to provide for the lad, but enough for a house when hes 21/25 (the will actuly says both ages for takeing full charge of the house) this casts a totaly difernt complexion on it and im sure the demon brother in law hadn't thought about that. The letting agent knew her too, amazeing how many people she talked to day to day in this small town. Right move seemed positivly to relish the prospect of the house, it being so unusual. most others had no imagination and just said its history was against it... we also made an apointment with the guy who did our mortgage, whos a nice chap and maybe will come up with soem good ideas. we agin attempted to open the trusties bank acount to little avail, she balmed it on 9/11. As i pointed out all of those terrorists woudl have been able to open an acount, after speciel pleeding we were alowed to get a letter from the doctor as prooof of ID. So we went to doctors who were very helpful and bent the "rules" (tho fuck knows what hey are to protect) im to pick up a letter tommorow, but it costs £11.

finaly felt i could unload the camra... this is when we left the graveyard. that sound of earth thundering down onto the coffin was too much to bare.







This morning i rather lost it with the wife, she had a day off to arange stuff. But had promised id get a day off too and i could see it slipping away. We were listening to the radio in the car, a program about stress and the fire service. Aprently one fith of their budget goes on suporting fire fighters with "strees".... she satrted to talk and i said.." i dont give a fuck, im never going to have a real job ever again and i dont give a fuck about firefighters and stress, why should I"... and that eneded the conversation. latter she said " im hurting too you know" quietly and i was sorry id said anything so stupid. But i do feel excluded from it all, the world of mobile phones etc of being able to buy what you want rather than what you need. And out friend, the most hard working person i knew, is dead, killed by a stupid cancer. What is the fucking point in anything?


we just had our Ex downstairs neighbours visiting, Hippie chick and Goth. We gave them tea etc and the Goth a peperami susage , Hippiechick is depriveing him of meat as shes a veggie and hes one of thoes odd peole who eats all the time, often cakes etc and is very thin. I had forgoten she knew our friend, from collage. Where she was on teaching practice. Hippiechick was very upset. to hear the news. I rememeber how hard she worked at the teaching, the promis held out ahead of her of well paid work, which proved just another lie.