Sunday

Waited in for a job offer yesterday, it didn't come so that's off then, this feels like a re run of the eighties to me.

Went to a mine museum open day, it was free, and on the way we were behind a lot of traction engines making their way up hill away from Trevithick day. Following one closely across the level crossing it occurred to me that this wasn't such a good idea if the crossing gates started to close for a train coming along the main line. Just as we started to cross, the bells started to ring, we hadn't anywhere to go but forwards, very very slowly. I saw the gate start to come down just as we came under it and i thought it would crash onto the top of the car, but i figured that was better than being smashed to bits by a main line train. As it was we just popped over the lip when it crashed down onto the road behind us...fewwwww

At the mind the sheds were full of horrifically dangerous looking machinery and when they started the stamping mill while i stood a few feet away it made me jump and really want to get out.

Ment to drop in on Mutual friend on way back, our son had rather sweetly bought a birthday present for her shrieking daughter. We ended up staying some hours chatting with them and their "field guest" caravan living friend. Who spends his life cycling round the world.

Tuseday

Took son to school then to old work place, i waited outside expecting to have to pick up pieces, but it was fairly OK, i was tempted to "key up " the bosses Merc though... i didn't.

Ah so what did we say?....(he hasnt a 'kin clue!)
I dont know you NEVER said.......


hopefully he waffled in the bit a bit but it adds up to redundant.... he really didn't have a clue why though, stupid toss pot.


Wife's up the collage now for an interview for some really crap til job in the canteen..hope she don't get it.

Monday

the wife's been to two job interviews today. fuck its more difficult to get a job in Lakeland than to get in the bleeding army! One hour long interview in a hotel, no less, and if you get the gold phone call at the week end another in the shop! it was strongly intimated that ringing up the shop to ask pertinent questions would be viewed well...Another reason im unemployable, id just crack and say , "give me the money and ill turn up on time and not steel anything." And again the wife specified hours which they might not like 16 to 30 hours max, they did question that because what they really want is people who say they will drain their blood so the managers can bath in it...The other one was some letting company, she reckons it was Ok which could mean it was crap or was good, who knows. If its about property they are probably just reptiles in suits.

Tomorrows wife has to go back to old work and get the git faced mananger who gave her the sack to sign the mortgage insurance in an appropriate way....which means redundant or due to office reorganisation... not "given the sack" which she wasn't. If he wont play ball then we are fucked. In my experience anyone holding power over "Fuckedness" of ones life invariably exorcises the opportunity to fuck it up, its a rule i've not known broken. I don't hold out much hope , though the wife does.

I wonder what he will put?.. seeing as they basically refused to say why she was "let go"

Sunday

The wife bumped into out old neighbour in Asda today. Slow in speech, he seems like the sort who did a lot of dope in the sixties, ex missile scientist he retreated to being a school maths teacher in the soulless ex-industrial/mine town across the way. he had a wife i think, divorced it think , met Ms Fussy, who taught art. Tall willowy sort of stylish in a brown sort of way. Overly fussy and fastidious they took to ball room dancing, travelled all over dancing. Till they both decided they had ME, conveniently they retired on a pension. We went to their wedding reception, felt odd, marooned amongst the gliteratie. He looked worn down today, like a man punched in the stomach. Ms Fussy has Ovarian cancer and is going to die...

I just feel like im alive just to find out what i die of. Its all so pointless and futile isn't it? There's no meaning there is nothing to hang on to. Some might say , your son, but what is he, i love him i want him to be happy, but he's going to feel exactly like i do some day and that's unbearable to think of. At 45 i could have died of many things already, soon, i sort of expect to die.


Yesterday on the way to visit Weezy we met Gaylord. Went to his flat to chat and drink terrible coffee. He's still working as a prostitute. Seems to make some money, he's had his eyes lasered, is getting a tooth replaced etc. Been to Tel Aviv said the surounding Arab nations deserve only derision if they cant overrun the town..."Its like Brighton for gods sake!" he went with some gay friend. he's been painting again flowers this time. Enjoying it.