another middle of the week thing

waited in for the macmillan nurse to phone to arnage to get the chair. They didnt. Went out as its wifes birthday, even she forgot till this morning. Big thunderstorm that rebooted the computer twice and killed the shops card facilities, so no pressie. Went to supermarket and got cake and 41 candles, boy do they throw off some heat! so we've had choc cake and strawberries with peper for tea. Rain and mist outside.

Been in the shed tryig to make stuff. I feel hopelessly inadiquet with no confidence in what im trying to do and its painfully slow too. Hotdogs sign, which i would get paid for, i havent touched yet. I feel very short tempered. Ready to snap. ready to run away.



aside: on horse "training" told to me by a friend down the Lizard. There was a guy down there with a magical "touch" with horses. he would be called to calm the most savage horse and trained many wild horses. His daughter told my friend his secret, it was that one day his daughter bought a horse and for weeks it tried to throw her off and then trapple her. it would bite anyone within range and kicked the blacksmith in the face!. eventuly she took it to her father a crusty old farmer surely privy to much arcane secrets of horse management. he took the horse for a canter, an hour latter he returned and the horse was transformed, gentle and easy to manage a delight..... after that he was called onto tame many horses in the area and he always calmed them with strokeing and talking to them, a real horse whisperer... but shortly before he died he confided in his daughter just how he tamed her horse... he had a two by two plank of wood and every time it reared up he smaked it on the forehead till it got the idea....(tho he claimed that was the only horse he'd ever hit)

Tuesday they tell me

Morning we went to town to look at what was claimed to be a Spitfire in the square. I spotted it wasn't really, and chatting to the RAF fund collector he admitted it was a full model made for a Chec film. good mock up , full size but somehow just a bit too delicate maybe refined. I made myself t go to dentist to make an appointment for a check up, id had the reminder for two weeks. i really hate dentists. new one apparently aanother girl (at least a miss. anyway) i wonder if she's nice. The first girl rested her firm chest on my head occasionally, it failed to distract me though. Odd how arm a body is tho that white nylon stuff they wear, almost thermo transparent.

On way back dropped in on mutual friend to drop off some head phones and a pen the lad had forgotten yesterday. Son and lad played. We chatted and drank tea til they went off canoeing with the kids. I refused to go on the grounds i hated water, getting wet and prefer d dry land.

Home son and i made up some brackets for shelves in his room. I have extreme trouble working up enthusiasm for anything at moment. Wife phoned and she had the "glooms" too. hard day. The Macmillan nurse phoned too to arrange collection of the chair lent to our friend..

Bank holiday monday

home alone, wifes off with our son and the lad at the show we went to on Saturday. An adventure on the train and bus. they had a good time, our son tho had a hysterical screeming fit when i had to take the lad back. Mutual friend had a word, shes worried that maybe the lad needs grief counciling, poor lad keeps going quiet and wanting his mum. I know how he feels in some small part. her sister in law is a "family lawyer" and told ehr she might have to be vetted by the sociel services, tho all scocial workers ive met have been so barking mad i wouldnt trust them to vet a cow. I may have to look after the lad monday week as the residency hearing is on the fith.

Sunday is it?

Wife's been doing accounts of our friend all day. Its so personal, tracking her every movement a paper trail of life. Wife's gets very upset by it. I took our lad out to tool shop and guiltily i spent £10 on a drill clamp, which i have to admit i sort of hid from the wife. We wandered round the cheep clothes shop there too, noticing some Smarties boots that our mutual friends daughter would like. We wandered looking at tools and things, then drove back, Dropped in at mutual friends on the way back to chat. The boys cruely ganged up on her daughter tho. We got some time to discuss things without the children as they played in the house. She got quite upset while we talked. Apparently she phoned the Sis and bro in law to tell them of the iminant arrival of the residency letters, they were very surprise that we would get a copy. I find them so alien, they don't even seem to know normal legal manners. We are executors, we need to know, especialy as no one can rely on them. She said " all this is about them, not about our friend or her child, they are so selfish" I had to agree, we are all revolving round them. She told us of another bank account, Barkleys. I assumed that was the bank account that they said they had sorted out, and i had misjudged them, but wife told me now that she had told Barkley's last week and they hadn't been informed. So why did Bro in law explicitly state that they had "frozen" the bank accounts?... Wife suspects they are huffy now as we have been arranging things. fuck em.

The fish are well, but looked a bit distressed as their air pump wasn't working properly. So we cleaned out the filter, it produced the most ghastly smell imaginable, like month old wet crab meat. Poor old fish seemed much perkier when we put the pump back in working properly, tho i would imagine the noise of it in the water is huge!

Went to buy our lad a toy, suddenly he was seized with the possibility of getting two toys with the money and went round and round the shop asking prices. I remember driving my parents mad doing this self same thing.

Returned to find wife very distressed and very ready to see us. To get something other to think about.

Saturday

Been to Morval vintage fair. Always good especialy as the ring commentator is and ex salvage guy. he keeps apologising for smashing so many traction engines and old cars in the 60'S. he was saying he would buy a traction engine for £10 and as gas was too expensive smash them to bits with a huge sledge hammer and sometimes dynamite the boilers to get the apart! Same with the vintage cars!... delayed getting there as we had to retrace our route and go about 20 miles round, due to a car crash. Returning home we saw where it was , seems a car crashed thro the fence and maybe ended up in the river a long fall, the girl in the garage said its was a fatal crash.

Im still feeling prity black but putting a brave face on it, its not fair for wife to suffer the lose and me being so pissed off too. I must admit i dont feel all that jolly or inclined to do things, but i must.

...just found out two young people died, when their car went downthe back and landed upsidedown onthe railway, two others have seriouse head injuries. Is life always surrounded by death or am i just seeing it this way now? If that true how long will i keep seeing death everywhere?...will it be when i die?
..

friday

This morning visited Fivemum. She frazzled with the kids home for the holidays. Watching them round the honey comb hubby had just taken from the hive was like seeing piranha fish round a bleeding cow. The older boy hits or tries to upset the four year old when even her backs turned, and the girls are constantly whingeing. She's dreading the school walk starting again tho. She's got rid of the sheep dog with wanderlust. jago, he kept fetching up at a place owned by one of the guys who did spitting image, he makes that excarable brown pottery nowadays, presumable due to senility. She used to phone and expect Fivemum to walk over about two miles to get the bloody dog. Anyway she gave jago to someone with lots of dogs, i said she should phone the woman and say, well you were moaning about it so we had him shot...

This afternoon our son has been a pain, constantly demanding attention. While i came thudding down to earth with an almighty gloom. I feel its all too much and im not up to any of this life. i tried to make something and from the beginning it was obvious that it wasn't going to work but i carried on until it really messed up and got upset. I feel despondent and useless.

Fivemum told me of Whiterasta's funeral. He lived on a boat when we did but we changed and he never did. he just fell into a cycle of causal theft, idleness and dope and drink. Couple of years ago i saw him in a ghastly charity shop suit (mauve and grey check) outside the "alternative" cloths shop in town. There was a couch out the and he was with his thief mate getting more and more drunk. the shop owner, a nice sensitive and tolerant soul said he was in a suit because he was soposed to be in court but hadn't made it there, deciding instead to get drunk on cheep cider and shout at people. The shop guy looked pityingly on him and said the drink has its grip on him. Any road a few month latter on the news it was announced that some one had fallen off a boat and drowned. the full story was, that his "mates" co thieves and scummies who more or less just used each other. Had a "party" on one boat. Whiterasta got somehow a large joint and being who he was he stumbled drunk on deck to smoke it without having to share. He fell overboard. His "mates" heard him heard him go in and shout for help, went up on deck.... and useless as they are, coudln't find the oars for the dingy, so went back to partying. The next evening (18 hours latter) they phoned the coastguard, and they found his body. Rumors that hes been pushed circulated for some time, he had hardly made himself popular in the last few years, i would'nt be surprised if someone helped him over board, but then he probably fell off boats a lot all by himself. Anyway his funeral was a lively mix of fights braking out at the grave side and pissed people throwing up and shouting. It was used by his scum mates as an excuse for drink and drug binges. one guy Yellowperil i knew when we lived on a boat, formerly an aggressive twat, now reduced by drink to a tortoise inside his old suit, tried to moan to Fivemum that his ex wife woudln't let him see his kids. that would be the wife and kids who often apeard to have been beaten by him. from the yellow sailing boat home that he sank on a pissed sail in the harbour.... pathetic.

Thursday

Adventures in banking land today. I'd been informed that the other executors had informed the banks, but we find they haven't at all. So bits of paper in hand i sally forth to do battle.... first natwest, refreshing, fine no problem death cert and will etc. and she had this much in the account (this is important as i had some cheques to pay in and i want going to let them slip into a black hole)....sign here ok... Loyds, little more complex but ok, sign here overdraft was this, sign her fill in this send to other executors for them to post of ... ALIENCE AND LECTER (alience and lecester). Its a big song and dance, wont tell me if she had any money in the account without certified copies of will and death cert. you have to send it to this address with a covering letter. The accounts is acrewing charges still, so i got a bit pissed off with this and said, "Ive told you" they said eventualy the account if not paid (and bearing in mind i don't know what the account is) it will get passed to a debt collection agency, so i said "so YOU will sue a Seven year old for his inheritance" and left.... and went and paid the money into the NatWest.

These people mistake thier "rules" for what is the law often and they cant think anywhere outside the "rules" they havent the wit or power. I am aproching this in the way an honest person would act, which comes naturaly to me, but obviolsy not to "normal people" For them iany honestly seems to be an act or enforced by law. My reasoning is that, shoudl any of this apear before a Judge, they aply common sense and honest intention, its all i can hold on to, otherwise its sinking into a sea of amorality.


Red arived with soem acoutn for wife to do. She knew our friend well, she was danceign with her when she spotted the furure lads dad, captain acrilic. thats night she says she was danceing like a mad thing, spinning round like a dervish. She also had an acount of how she got pregnant, aprentlyy Acrilic was actuly so drunk hes was unconciouse. Hormones are a terrible thing.

Midweek

Hammering down with rain, for the last few weeks we have got acustomed to good weather, now its left. Mp Hubbys offerd us two tellivisions, Bang and olfson's one sterio one mono. His parents are getting rid of them. Contemplateing this offer....

Yesterday visiting Hotdog he talked of his parents. his mother is a fearful old bag. On the surface quite nice but shes so pathetic when it counts. She sent Hotdog off to a private school for dyslexic troubled kids, just to get rid of him it seems, hes been traumatised by his treatment there ever since. now her husband is going vaigue and a little senile. he alwas seemed a decent chap. Ex Oil tanker captain, when he retired he went from, in charge of a huge ship, to being told what tie to put on every morning, now he sits with a smile and is drifting away, and she "cant cope". Hes no trouble. Shes talking about seperateing the house into two flats, so she cant live without him. God knows what he is soposed to do. She really is quiet casualy nasty.

Tuesday. damdam

Waited in for gas man. Came in said we cant cover that for maintainance. Took cover off said it was dangerous, capped it off and put a danger sticker on it....... i said "well that sorts out the gas bill then!"............ bollox, cant afford another.... im stumbling from disaster to problem to disaster etc..... i sit too cynical to suppose that the gas people who sell new gas apliences would just condemn anything they saw as old. I don't think it is, probably more like a class thing, hies a gas engineer probably on a decent wage, not exactly part of out world of poverty. He said he'd service it, see if it would work then, tho probably it wouldn't. His boss said no tho, charge you £135 for what amounts to hoovering it out. I said no... im sure we are due a call from their sales man now. they can whistle for it.

Jonathan Meads is on telly, and im reminded of len. he wasnt an educated guy by any means, but he loved Meads. He would video tape the programs and just listen to them while he worked carveing merry go round horses and things, to the rich dry sounds of jonathan meads. Then one day i aranged to go see him in his converted chapple home and workshop. And what did i find? the front door frame smashed and the workshop door splintered and no sign of him. I walked round and round the building, shouting to him, knocking etc convinced he had for some reason taken against his door and smashed it. (that woudlnt be entirely out of charecter, i once sat down at hi shuge kitchen table and found it was a new top, he had needed soem good Oak, and had sawn up the table top. When i said that was an antique surely!... the said fuck was it i made it!).. anyway. i walked outside very confused and a guy oposite shouted over and i went to him. he said that an ambulance and a police car had been there at one in the morning. I must have looked distressed 'cos he then phoned the police station and hospital to no avail. i set off and went to the local hospital and asked a nice young lady if he was bought there, she didnt, i said look even if hes dead, where would he go? she said try the police. I went to the police station, and the desk sargent looked at a coumputer screen, looked at me, called another, nodded. And said he was found deseased. I went back to the hospital , i dont know why, perhapse becasue the girl seemed genuinely concered for me, and told her, she offered me a cup of tea and a sit down but i declined. I rememeber i knocked off the indicator of the bike on the curb outside the police station curb acidently and it clattered all the way home.

Monday , bloody monday

Apontment to see another letting agent at one. Cars, maybe sick so we took the bus. The fare was £2.20 return, no wonder people drive cars so much! its only a mile and a half. Anyway waited in the cold wind and they didnt bother to turn up, so fuck em.
I notice the fish are gone, which is good, the painting on the beam, of mummy and lad, he did at school, had fallen down, i didnt replace it, maybe im frightned to touch it. walked to Hotdogs to see how his wife is recovering from gallballder Op, she seems ok. Hotdog gave us a lift home. Son started to watch childrens telly and i wandered out to the shed, did soem fideling with wood, walked back up path to hear son chatting to soemone, i was suprised to find wife there. She had been up stares sleeping , haveing come home sick with a migrane. the tension is getting to us all. With me its frenetic but unconstructive activity or paralised ingoring, with wife its migranes and a tendancey to do everyhthing needed to be done fast, very slow.

I slept very very badly last night, couldnt sleep then got up, went back to bed and still lay for a couple of hours listening to the radio. Now im feeling very fetigued, but i bet i cant sleep tonight either.

Sunday, day of rest?

morning i left wife to do our friends acounts. took son to car boot sale, met Dotty. Shes still raveing about the family. I found an electric motor for my lathe, but had to borrow £2 to add to my £10 to buy it. Went on to Mphubby to collect the stuff wife left behind yesterday, shes alwasy doing that, this time it was her pures and sons toys. Sat chatted over tea abot nothing. Went on to Tool shop and scraped up 70p to buy son a measureing thing he liked. Went home getting lost on the way, not unpleasantly. Went to supermarket and got pie and custard as by now i was stareving. returened home to find wife had worked, includeing sending our sugestions to the other executors. On renting being the best idea etc. Im not sure that was a good move.


Ive just thought, since she died ive noticed thee bright green crickets. Ive never noticed any before. the first was onthe day she died, sitting on the back door, another on a stone in the gareden and another today at HP hubbys house on the wall. Posibly its just agood year for bright green crickets to sit right out in the open. She liked green, tho i must say a more subdued Pre-raphalite green, as befits a proto goth with proper colour sense.

Saturday

Been to a vintage steam show, a huge one. Enjoyed it mostly but im so knackerd. Again im reminded of our friend as there was the steam powerd merry go round that when she saw it once made her cry with joy. Next to it was a shooting range that reminds me of len as we met him once at the fair infront of the range where he was inspecting the painings on it (and swearing at its incompitance) when he saw us he broke of his tirade and we went for a cup of tea in the tent, where he said he wanted to take a pic of the wife, but admitted, while he was doing it, that he really wanded a pic of the girl behinds "tits"... She looked a bit rough to me, where string vest type top revealing heavily tattoed breasts. i dont think she was the same girl but i remember seeing a girl in town with stockings and suspenders tattoed on her legs, now thats a life statement! One of the few time wife visted him with me she was pregnant and he took pics of her for a figurehead carveing he was doing..... but we all knew he wanted a pic of wifes expanding breasts.

came home and almost imediately got called out the Mp hubby, who is stck out in the country and seemed desperate for some chat. Wife and son swam in their mini pool. While i drank tea and chatted.

Friday. feels like friday. at last im syncronized!

Early morning phone call from Sister. Hopeing to catch wife (who knows why, i suspect she cant really talk to guys then same as ladys). Are the goldfish OK?... yes fine yesterday, i say, then i gabble on and maybe let out more than i intended, about the rental potential. I hope i didn't let out too much and they gain ammunition, but its my way to be open, even if its not theirs. mid-morning phone call from Mutual friend, the lad wants to play with our son. Ok go round, and chatting, she's appalled about Goldfish call, they cant phone to ask how the lad is but phone about a bloody goldfish! I agree it is appalling. She is however encouraged by the letting potential thing. She seems pleased with our actions so far. She has an odd ex boy friend staying, Italian English teacher, Ill call him Mario as he seems always to wear white dungarees and reminds me of Mario computer games. he seems a nice chap, lives near Venice.

Rush back to catch gas man who's only details of visit are between 12 and 6!... a car in front seems to start smoking and dumps its oil in one lot on the road, so i arrive two minuets past 12 to find a "sorry we missed you" card on the mat.... phone the gas people trying to get him back but they wont/cant. Appointment aranged for Tuesday morning now.

Wifes off consulting the guy who arnaged our mortgage about legalities etc of letting the old mortgage of our friend run, if its posible/legel. We need to be tooled up for this battle.

Humm the guy after long discusion is of the opinion that "they" are after the money. I dont think hes right, they have no chance to get thier hands on it whatsoever. We have made sure that the acount is one from each camp to sign any cheque. He said inform the mortgage company and see if they will let it run under the changed circumstances, and ask whay the hell theres a "shortfall" in any case. It smacks of incompitance on thier, or insurance companies part, they should never ever let this happen, they might he says even be embaresed into writeing it off, i dont hold out much hope of that, but maybe its worth playing the "mis-sold" card. otherwise he says trusties mortgages are avalible.


Its past midnight, wife is out danceing with Godbotherer and Dusky. Dusky is a stunningly beatiful half Iraqie girl of 27. She realy is bodily lovely and shes nice too. Im not looking at the emails as i want to sleep tonight and i know they will bring, terse, manipulative pain.

Thursday,

Visited Handys this morning, discused valves for organ etc. And the on gowing problems with the Will etc. handys avery moral person and is mightily offened that our friends wishes are potentialy going to be ignored. Afternoon spent in and out of shed doing stuff like glueing and trying to make the valves effective, tho how effective they need to be remains to be seen.

Tommorow wife is to go to finacial advisor and see about finaceing our master plan for the house. I must remind her to feed the gold fish too.


shit.. i was feeling ok , just got an e-mail from the bor in law, makeing all sorts of demands for information. About bank acount etc. mentioned the funeral expenses too , which people were led to belive they were paying for, im sure so they got thier own way. Im angry now. He is obviosly still pushing for a house sale, quite hard too and is under the impression that we havent been doing anything.... i really am begining to hate them.

I bet i wont sleep tonight now. How can a human being be like this? They give them impression that as they dont get custody of the lad, then they want shot of any involvement as quickly as posible. To his detriment. Quite honestly, i want to wash my hands of these people, but cant as i actuly care.

Wednesday feels like friday

Waiting to go to house again for 11 oclock apointment with letting agent, then again at 4. i must take some pics of the place.... i can cope with this, the people have all been very nice, so far.

My barell organ project is comming along. I suprised myself by working out how to fold a bellows yesterday night and this morning i actuly attemped, semi sucessfully to make a box to hold the air. its not quite square and not exactly well fitted in the corners but nothing filler wont sort out. Its drying now, no top or bottom yet. Worked out how to make flap valves out of inner tube too. hope they work when glued deep in the structure tho.


I feel encouraged by the meeting with the letting agent. he said £650 a month easily. which stacks up with rough figures of 200 a month to service the shortfall and works to be done... needs staircase, floor covering and couple of kitchen units and proper cooker.. they take 10% and handle everything. The lad could be the richest boy in school!


Well i was feeling quite good (under the circumstances), but i met another esate agent and he mentioned the posibility that if sold it would be a second home or a holiday let, both of wich are terrible thoughts. Also as i walked away from the house Booklady buttonhled me, went on about the fish, then about the lad asking her why his mummy died and she hadnt (tho she has inoperable cancer) and how the sister and bro in law were virtuly saints. i didnt say anything, as tho as alwasy she claims to be the soul of discretion, shes like a gossip foghorn.

Tommorow its another battle with the bank trying to open an acount.

I was getting a little pissed off with our mutual friend. In fact i just typed that and deleted it, but i remember shes taken the family off to wales for the week..

Tuesday feels like thursday

Not one but two estate agents i have show the house. Both keen to see inside. Even got the owner of the firm in one case. They seem enthusistic about it as a lovely individual building. The guy said tho, that he rented out a one bed flat at the end of the road for £450 a month and we'd be "prity mad to sell, even with a less than 10% debt on it".. which is our thinking..... i see the fish are still there, i fed them but i notice the air pump downt seem to be pumping anymore. Must contact our mutual friend see when shes going to take them. I hope im strong enough to do this. this morning i was so preocupied with what i had to do i hit the curb in the car and bounced half way across the road.... my head feels like its full of cotton wool. Another estate agent tommorow. They seems to be settling on £150K or above..... seems low to me. (not that i have anywhere near that amount of money or any conception of it really, just houses inthat location with a balcony over looking the harbour/church seem to go for £200K or more)

monday

Our friends hat, layed on the ground by her grave. It was on the coffin in the church. This image makes me want to cry.


Spent morning going round estate agents, getting apointments to view for valuation on our friends house. And a couple of letting agents for latter in week. In bed last night the wife talekd about it all and it occured to me and her that selling house woull have to bring in enough, not only to provide for the lad, but enough for a house when hes 21/25 (the will actuly says both ages for takeing full charge of the house) this casts a totaly difernt complexion on it and im sure the demon brother in law hadn't thought about that. The letting agent knew her too, amazeing how many people she talked to day to day in this small town. Right move seemed positivly to relish the prospect of the house, it being so unusual. most others had no imagination and just said its history was against it... we also made an apointment with the guy who did our mortgage, whos a nice chap and maybe will come up with soem good ideas. we agin attempted to open the trusties bank acount to little avail, she balmed it on 9/11. As i pointed out all of those terrorists woudl have been able to open an acount, after speciel pleeding we were alowed to get a letter from the doctor as prooof of ID. So we went to doctors who were very helpful and bent the "rules" (tho fuck knows what hey are to protect) im to pick up a letter tommorow, but it costs £11.

finaly felt i could unload the camra... this is when we left the graveyard. that sound of earth thundering down onto the coffin was too much to bare.







This morning i rather lost it with the wife, she had a day off to arange stuff. But had promised id get a day off too and i could see it slipping away. We were listening to the radio in the car, a program about stress and the fire service. Aprently one fith of their budget goes on suporting fire fighters with "strees".... she satrted to talk and i said.." i dont give a fuck, im never going to have a real job ever again and i dont give a fuck about firefighters and stress, why should I"... and that eneded the conversation. latter she said " im hurting too you know" quietly and i was sorry id said anything so stupid. But i do feel excluded from it all, the world of mobile phones etc of being able to buy what you want rather than what you need. And out friend, the most hard working person i knew, is dead, killed by a stupid cancer. What is the fucking point in anything?


we just had our Ex downstairs neighbours visiting, Hippie chick and Goth. We gave them tea etc and the Goth a peperami susage , Hippiechick is depriveing him of meat as shes a veggie and hes one of thoes odd peole who eats all the time, often cakes etc and is very thin. I had forgoten she knew our friend, from collage. Where she was on teaching practice. Hippiechick was very upset. to hear the news. I rememeber how hard she worked at the teaching, the promis held out ahead of her of well paid work, which proved just another lie.

sunday

fairly much as predicted the days not going well. Went to get key, they had, had anew one cut but wife spent half an hour chatting while me and our son sat bored in the car...Mutual friend told wife that she has asked to be present with the lad and the vicar, when they discussed the funeral, and was abruptly told, family ONLY... why do people act this way? Its not good for the lad or anyone really. Hes not a posetion that they can fight over, hes a real person who needs protecting not this shit. More i hear the more i really despise that family. Wife had neglected to make any arnagments with friends to look after our son so i took him round the town to get somthing to eat then to the shops. Met Gaylord in the big shop, he said eh cant even walk past the house. Also hes concerned that our friend was lerning to drive and had a very cheep car, but all in his name (for insurance etc) asked if we could look out for the documents as the road tax might be running out and he didnt want a huge fine. As it was the wife found the documents so we can sort that out. Then to Godbotherers house, tho only her son was there. She had gon to Hotdogs house as his wife is due to go in for A galblader op today. I thought it best to leave them to it and am now home. The wife is sorting thro our friends stock and noteing down things. I must admit to finding it very dificult to be in her house. The wife said i looked grey and told me to go home with our son.

Wen to pick up wife, took the car stuff to Gaylord and admired his DIY on what is nominaly his sisters flat. He fell out in a major way with her and now refuses to move out and treats it as his own, renting rooms out to students and running his business in it. His busness is, notionaly massage, really giveing hand jobs to older guys and more if he fancies them. I can understand why he does this, one day he had a £200 electric bill and a refusal for a job in the gym that he'd been doing for the last couple of months (since the original manager left) he realised that he was never going to have a "real" job. So why not go into protitution. One advert in the local paper bought in the electricity bill. he says all his clients are really nice guys, often guys go there while thier wives are out in the town shopping, i gues his blow jobs are better then thiers.

We drank tea with Gaylord, talking about building etc, then went to Hotdogs. Hotdog wasnt there as he had taken his wife to the Hospital to have her gallbladder OP. Godbotherer was there babysitting thier three year old lass. We again drank tea and talked till Hotdog came back. he told me he wants me to repain another sign, he'll drop it in latter in week. Its the sort of job that takes five minets, when i can be arsed to do it.

saturday

W2ent to a small steam show, dispite it raining as Dotty said she had some money for us, thro selling our friends jewlery. She got that a few months before her illness to sell at shows. As it happened dotty had a car emergancy and had to spend her cash on that but said she would see us soon and give us the cash. We stood in the rain and chattted, she said that she got soem very poisonse vibes from the family of our friend and didnt even like to be in the same room as them. She recomended when meeting with them we take a mirror to reflect thier badness, tho what the etiquet of a meeting with a mirror pointing at the others person is i dont know. Bout a couple of cheep bike pumps for my project and then left to go to supermarket.

On the way home we dropped into Mutual friends to get the key to the house. They were dining with her Italian Friend. Somehow we didnt end up with the key, just some sort of vague arnagement to collect/drop it in/ have new one cut...im unsure what the hells going on there. We have to get in tommorow to sort some things out in the house. I can see it becomeing on of those, wandering between places days that never ends.

Interestingly mutual friend has found out from her lawyer that to aply for residency and therfore parentla right over the lad, she dont have to have a siniture from the family, only soemone with parental rights. Which would be our deceased friend. A copy of it will be sent (out of curtosy) to the family and the father/ grandfather. And if they do take action, they are takeing action against the wishes as deliniated in the Will, and therfore not able to be executors... which would be interesting.

Friday.

Mundane. Went to town to get some wood, bumped into somone i knew, knew my friend. She hadnt heard of her death. When at post office i crossed the road to tell another friend, she hadnt heard either. Telling people dont get any easire. Curently im putting off ringing up Argos, she had soemthing from them on defered payment, i wonder what thier reaction will be... well that was a suprise, for a start they offerd condolances, which is more than any of the utility companies did, and they asked for a copy of the death certificate which seems reasonable. I will sort it tommorow

I spent all afternoon waiting in for the gas man, who didnt arive. The wife was about to ring them up and tell them to stuff thier gas right up thier arses and noticed the date was NEXT friday.... dam

thursday

Morning usual meet with Mr and Mrs handy. Showed him the will. He is a highly moral person and was most indignant that my friend wasn't getting what she wanted. he suggested as i had thought , setting up a company to manage the house and get a loan from the business plan, from the bank... maybe work with effort. i wish i was stronger. he pointed out that a £150,000 house with a £10,000 debt is a steal and would bring in much more than any "investment"....

Afternoon, working with my son in the shed. Its been hot here today. The car parked outside on the double yellow lines got its bumper ripped off by a bus, nasty crunch, that's why there are yellow lines there.

When my mate len died i started to make a barrel organ (i still plan to finish it four years latter) now im makeing a smaller one, is this a way of copeing or just coincidence.... I think my friends last words to me were "you have such lovely ideas jon" when i told her of my plan...

Wednesday.

As Dotty walked with us from the grave yard, she mentioned that she had arranged her burial (she is 70 odd)... But also that she had her coffin already. being a trader at boots sales etc. she had spied a coffin at a car boot sale! measured it against the van for size and bought it. later that night she put it in the back of her Volvo estate and as she was going to see a friend she put some flowers she had picked in the back too and went off to her friends, no doubt some odd looks along the way!

Down here really is a small place. yesterday i mentioned the home help, the other home help is the wife one of my wife's co-workers. And the grave digger the father or another. he said to his son, im digging the grave for a young lass i know today, and it was our friend. Even the undretakeer knew her from the days she was trying (and suceeding) to buy her house from then church.

Been on the phone to our mutual friend. She's still realy upset. The sis ignored her at the funeral and they wernt involved at all. The lad seems ok tho. Grandad took him home and then to her after an hour or so, the sis couldnt even bring herself to hand him back. She keeps haveing ideas about the house and how to hold on to it for the lad.I cant see any working, and all i can see is 100% work for me and wife fighting it all. The brother in law seems to me set to sell it and aplies pressure to that end.
I told her to take custody of the poor old goldfish as soon as she could. She said the art books, our friend told her to have them, more complexity as brother in law has told Booklady to value them for sale. When we met the other day as he shook hands i noticed that his hand felt like squeezeing a warm toad. I noticed the snowdrops were on the shelf as they were when our friend was alive. I fear im not strong enough to fight. i fear i will be the architect of all of my friends wishes going unheeded. I just fear.


I know why Godbotherer went quite so emotional in church. When her son was 7 she had cancer, she servived, but all this must be awful for her.

Tuesday, funeral day.

Half nine. Dotty phoned, she really don't like our friends family, not one little bit. We will see her at the funeral, she said she had been making a hat for the funeral "because i don't go into church with my head uncovered"... what that means i don't know! I suspect she's another lapsed Catholic, which is a religion in its self. I've to collect wife at one then onto Godbotherers work to collect her, back here then to funeral.

Listless morning. Collected wife and zipped to Godbotherers work then back home. They went off to get something to eat while i got ready and fretted about time. They had to scoff their pasties while i didn't feel like eating. I badgered then into the car, at the last minuet i tied a black ribbon on our sons arm as he requested. This morning i had along talk to him about what was going to happen and how we had to say goodbye to our friend and about burial. he behaved very well in church. We arrived just as the hearse was being unloaded. the lad was with the sis and bro in law and their miscalanious children.(grown up).. We walked behind the coffin, i notice the six old guys/pall bearers didn't carry it but pushed it on its trolley. We walked into the church and threaded our way into a quite full church pew. Right behind Hotdog and Handys wife. Odd service the vicar seemed confused and mechanical, the sermon tho short was all over the shop and he went on about reserection in Christ like he didn't believe a word of it. In the sermon preyers were asked for sisters daughters boy friend who had died in Columbia yesterday...Songs were sung and prayers said and sis read a tearful poem. the lad placed a rose on the coffin, brave lad indeed. I don't sing and i didn't think it a good time to prey either. There were more suits there than expected. even one of the collage tutors turned up , he always looks miserable. The vicar said she graduated in 1977, i remember painting 1977 on my school art folder. Godbotherer broke up during a song and i cuddled her, reached round her back and held the wife's hand too. Lots of tears from other, but big boys don't cry.

For some reason the wife wanted to see the hearse take the coffin away from the church, i don't know why. Others hung about to not knowing what to do. No sign of a wake as Fearful suggested, who knows what went on latter. We rushed to the graveyard,walking up the hill past her house, her home help and nurse walked with us, the home help we knew from when we lived on the boat, she worked in the petrol station those years ago. She said she remembered me going in there for a pint of milk and anounceing we'd got married. Aproaching as the service at graveside ended. Quite a big crowd there. They scattered soil on her in turn, even the lad, by now with granddad, who's very good with him. The sis seemed to have cut out our mutual friend and was using granddad as a half way house. Our mutual friend was beside herself with grief, sobbing and red faced. the wife and i cuddled her, but little anyone could do. We hung about chatting to people. I noticed the Gypsy was there, he crumbled some sol and poured it slowly onto her, a small smile and left. She had some sort of quiet love affair with him years ago. Gaylord looked dapper in suit and black beaded shoes, but was sobbing. I chatted to Clockman and his girl friend, she chatted to my wife about babys, i warned him his time of sleeping soundly maybe was coming to and end soon. We were one of last to leave. the kids played and the gravediggers started to fill in the grave. the sound of lumps of earth landing on the coffin made me upset and i rushed them away. Went to Hotdog's for some tea, he paid me the £40 he owed me for the ice cream sign and said he wanted another one, he also gave me a tilly lamp for a project i have in mind. back home exhausted fell asleep on settee, i feel listless still and so fatigued.

Monday.

Wife off work doing our friends acounts. i went to airport to collect Godbotherer's son who flew down from Leeds. Listened to Tony Hancock on the way on CD. Thos afternoon had to go to bank and attempt to open an Acount for all Executors of will. They had ther pasports, well they would wouldnt they, they have "real" jobs and go on hoiliday and stuf.I have my tatterd driveing licence with our old address on it and that was aceptable, the wife however is anon person haveing no passport or driveing licence. Went home collected papers and went back... stil no good. Aprently five utility bills, are enough to get a mortgage but not enough to open an acount that cannot get overdrawn. Banks just work from screens of rules nowdays, they are meer automatons.

The we had to meet with sis and brother in law. Everytime i see him i think how much he looks like Mr burns (simpsons) tho younger i sopose. He is soo abviosly angleing to sell the house. Upping the pressure all the time about insurances etc. Seemed intent on it more and more. And the odd sniping about our mutual friend he seems to think that the lad was kept away from visiting his mum in last week. I know he didnt want to visit, he found it frightening and woudlnt look at her. they saw her at the funeral home, not a good thing to see they said, and used that to snipe again. Saying he wasnt alowed to see her when alive but now hes alowed to see her in that state... He hasnt seem her dead. It was just a sugestion from our mutual friend. Do you know, if they make a play for custody of the lad i feel inclined to refuse to sign anything, maybe mess then up in thier plans. Claim its obviosly we cant sell the place while custody is up in the air, just to screw them about a bit... And he mentioned that the funeral is comming out of the estate, i thought they were paying for it, now our friend is haveing her wishes ignored and haveing to pay for the fucking thing too!... Her dad looked very grey skinned and old poor chap, Noman arived looking all odd and beardy, took him out down the pub for a pint. I feel for him poor man.

Returend to Ladygardeners and Armchiars, where we had parked out son, to find him still awake and playing. Had tea and bitched about the situation with them. They are comming to the funeral despite her boyfriend sexual interaction cross over mixup. As is MPhubby, who will be in his suit, brother in law will be too, i quite hope they will be the only two, and us scum, full the church tommorow. Me and wife are aprently sort of designated to look after the lad should he wish not to keep being at service or the internment. Our son wishes to go too, he said it would be interesting. I sort of woudl rather be in the old grave yeard with them two playing that in the church.

Sunday

wife and child are out for the day. rideing trains. Ive had "fearful" on the phone, shes in bits, and i fear what she will say to the family. She makes "sugestions" that will offend them and cant, despite what she claims, keep a secret, she gosips like a demon. A friend of hers seems to be organizeing a "wake" which is typicaly fo-irish of them, old hippies that they are. I wanted no part of it really.

lady gardener came round after tentative call, i think shes worried about me. had chat and tea. She fell out with our friend over a boy friend. basicly he was with our friend and she fancied him. She heard he'd broken up and shagged him that very day...only roumours of a brake up were a little exagerated. She was gagging for it. I told her she must go to the funeral, im hopeing for a big crowd, some suport.

Then Born again phoned, wanted us to go round to sait in her garden drinkign tea, but im enjoying being alone right now.


Years ago just before i went to collage, i had a friend called john. he was old and had fort in the war up thro Italy and now he had cancer and a heart condition, his wife was germen, a Chelist who excaped the nazies to london when 14, her whole family were asocoated with the sociel democrats and died in concentration camps. He looked at me one of the last days i saw him alive, while i described how i had panic attacks. anyway he looked at me and said.."you have had great sadness in your life, i can see it in your eyes"....which goes to prove, not saying much and pretentding to be moody for your own ends, works. people draw the conclusion they want to... at that time i had nothing to feel hard done by at all. Latter that day i told him i was going to collage because it was better than being on the dole (as i was).. and he had a go at me over wasting the governments money etc. he took me for a drink and forced me to drink a double whisky (i dont drink) at the Cherry trees pub. He drank Sainsburys whisky and kept a bottle in his car, he was probably drunk a lot of the time really.. the last time i saw him he was in a grotty ward in hospital. A porta cabin that leeked, full of sallow skinned old guys breathing hard. I said to me.."your right lad, you take them fookers for all the fookin money you can, fooking baaaastards"

saturday

wife has been at the house, serching for acounts details. She was near tears for much of the time. we now have a large bag and a small bag of bank statements etc to sort out. I am thankfull that the goldfish seem Ok tho they were lurking at the bottom of the tank. This morning in our garden i found the night scented stocks i planted for our friend has two flowers on it, that was a sort of minor bad moment. I hope to plant them on her grave when its all over.
I took our son away while the wife sorted paperwork, went to matilan to get a black top for the funeral. the funeral is set for Tuesday in the Church bellow the house. it was a clock face with a broad blue edge, i once did a painting of it from just above the house. Ended up acidently selling it to a french lady, tho i have to heavily varnish it as the paint was merrily shaleing off the bad surface i put it on. Presumably oficiateing will be the vicar who refused to take custody of the bones/skulls she uncoverd during renovations. the church simply did not care, so much for respect for the dead in perpituity. she organised a small ceromony and reburied then in the corner of the graveyard. She cared more than the church. We put a notice in the side door (away from the street, no one woudl see it unless they came up the steps at side)

This morning i got very dipressed, what is the point? what ever you do you just end dieing, either in agony or morphine stupor... what is the fucking point? I feel im no match for the family, that i will loose the house for the lad that i will easily be over rulled... i just feel like im no use at all now.

If you are going to die think caefully about this big step, think especiely about your life insurance.... and criticul illnes insurance.... dont get crituly ill then die.... cos if you die on the day they were going to pay out...... they wont pay out untill the wills sorted (which will take months)...so its all to be stacked against us.

Our mutual friend has a friend whos a letting agent refering to the house and its letting posibilities, she mentioned it woull have to have its name changed, she said that people wouldnt rent a house if it was number 13 let lone with a name like the old mortuary... we looked at one bank statement the street number is 13.

Friday

benn at mutual friends, i had to sort out her attitude to the house. Wether she was desperate for the money (to suport the lad) or felt strongly that it be retained. i feel that it was such a preciouse thing to our friend that it should if in anyway posible be retained for him when he get older and its generated income for his upkeep. i can see the brother in law angleing to sell it and dispose of his responsibilitys. He said yesterday "if the lad shoudl come to us we would of course cover the mortgage insurance short fall" which i view as not so subtal blackamail. The he said it needed lots of meny spending on it (more than 30,000, which is far too high posibly double whats really needed to cover shortfall etc) I can see these people dont live in my world, he said things like it need a full kitchen etc, it dosnt its a "charecter property" it needs a stairecase and bit and bobs but its perfectly liveable.

Anyway mutual friend feels strongly that the house is important to keep, so we are agreed. i do really feel like as the solicitors said i was the "meat in the sandwich" i feel i could muck it all up and just ruin it all.

the lad, our son and her daughter played hapily in the garden. When i aproched to rescue him from a wasp that decided to land on his nose, i discoverd they were playing "funerals" couple of times i heard him say "i can do that cos my mummy died" sort of pulling moral rank on the others, tho i dont think it worked. Aprently yesterday in a big shop he disolved in tears for five minets when mutual friend wouldnt buy him a toy "you must cos my mums died".. i think this comes from the grandad who treated him to toys erlier in the week. eventuly they settled on collecting flowers round the garden as "bee homes" which they assembled in little heaps on the garden table. I kept them ocupied while mutual friend took a call fromthe macmillan nurse who was offering advice on the lads attendance at the funeral etc.


Mid-morning she recived thro the post the second statementthat our friend had aranged with the solicitor, it was visiting rights and acess for family etc... the other maybe be more "interesting" and probably gose to her sis.... mutual friend helped type the first will , from out friends hand writen will, and had to get her to tone it down. aparently she described her sis as "paranaoid" etc in it and an unsuitable parent!.... i wonder what it says. i wonder if its been sent or as i hope retained should they make a play for the lad. I think it may make quite a big

Thursday

Went to friends, she hadnt heard about it. must be the last person round here, thankfully everyone seems to know now.

On the way my son and i dropped off at the beech just to look for sand tumbled coloured glass pebbles. at the edge or the beech were tow middle aged tho trim ladies, i looked up again and one was naked, changeing after her morning swim, brave lady indeed!. The beech cafe put me in mind of our friend. the guy who runs it is the grumpiest cafe owner ive ever met. He once ahd another biz and years ago he had met our friend sociely and made her an offer. He would set her up in a flat and have her as his mistress, she refused. She wasnt into sex, but her breast size attracted guys like flies, egger to play lol. Why he's chosen to lease the beech and cafe i dont know he is amazeingly bad tempered with everyone.

back from her house. We went to collect soem papers and bills etc, try to sort somthing out anyway. Sis, bro in law and our friends old dad (looking so grey and lost, he seems a nice old buffer, tho from what our friend said to me, he wasnt the best father, being hypercriticul etc) and the lad was there. They were debateing wether to drive 300 miles home tonight or not. wife and sis have big girlie girlie chat out side while we entertained the kids. She told wife of our friends death etc, im sure she will tell me, but im not sure i want to know. And the funeral, her hat will be on the coffin. Somehow that gripped my heart like a little hand inside my chest, even writeing it now i feel the same. Its just a hat many would say, its her, more i gues than anything she had. A wide brimed straw hat, dark with musty victorian frens and little featherd false birds all round it. She wore it when she did the punch and judy shows with her ex. And when she sold a magazine i made on the street at Shows. When she had it on she looked happy.

Wednesday

Just phoned the solicitor. Seems nice chap. Aparently we are the execturors along with the sister and brother in law..... we can see the will anytime on production of proof of identity at his office and have copies etc. i rang wife told her. Then rang brother in law, who seemed suprised, and wondered if they could be executors if they hadnt been asked (maybe trying to worm out of it?). he asked about our friends funeral wishes and i told him she wanted to be in the house or at least nearbye. And that id asked a funeral director, and she couldnt, as she had hoped be "in the wall" but had to be under ground. He told me that they had tried to register the death, but couldnt till tommorow, for some reason. Aparently my friend, along with the will, prepaired three statements to three seperate people (tho none to us). My thoughts are, to mutual friend, sis and posibly grandad?.... The solicitor maybe is under instructions to issue these statments at some undisclosed time, i presume if a fight brakes out, but i dont know. Our mutual friend is named as legel gardian.

Humm dinner time got call from the brother in law, he wants to see the will today and wants me there, so arange for wife to take an hour off work, drop son off and rush there, meet outside. Shakes hands etc sort of apologises ... go in and chat to soclicitor who is off on holiday tommorow! Wish i was too. Any way read will, details as everyone said they would be (tho i agreed not to discuss it or show it to people, told him to tell who he wanted to tell, as i didnt want to take sides etc) he seemed to be working up to chalengeing the gardianship, hes been talking to a friend who handles family stuff, tho he said it wasnt certain or was uncertain. There are three statements lodged with the solicitor (tho none for us thank god) to be produced at apropriate time. The father of the lad was discussed, and one statement was produced (copy for each) like a magician, it said he was a piss head and unsuportive etc and he wasnt to have anything to do with the lad. On which we both prity much agreed. I have little doubt that even now our friends death is being used as an excuse for a massive piss up.

Im wondering what the others say, i think it likely that one will be produced if they contest the gardianship and it will say some very harsh words indeed.

Just phoned, had undertaker round, rekons that theres no way to inter her in the house or surounding it. It is on bed rock and surounded by a meter thick retaining wall etc i can see its dificult. hes talking about the main cemetary, which she did walk tho takeing her son to the beech often. I requested at least a memorial at the house...

Tuesday..

Phone call from mutual friend. im to look after the lad this afternoon. She going to spy out wether to tak ehim to see his mum for the last time, her subtifuge is that he wants to get his big dalek he got a few months back.... our friend is in the bed, has stoped eating and last night is reported as "very bad"...


My friend has died, this afternoon. Her dad was holding her hand. I think it wasnt very peacful, but she passed with her family (such as it is) around her. I feel strange, sort of dizzy and sick. I knew it was about to happen, but i didnt know how i would react. i still dont really.


The brother in law phoned me, i coudlnt say a lot on the phone as her lad is here. But he was inquireing about the Will and legel stuff, of which i know little as to how to cope who to phone etc. He said, "thinsg had happened and dispite that, they wernt looking for a fight"... i must admit to thinking, yes 'things on your side have happened' not on mine you git.... i may have imagined it but, he seemed amused that if indeed i am an executer, all the legel shit is down to me.....

Mutual friends partner phoned, mutual friend has been informed. The lad is here happily playing and watching telly, how hes to be told i dont know. This is the bit no one knows what to say or do, how to react, can we smile?, can we joke?.... can we eat?. im actuly physicaly shakeing here, fingers buzzing.

Aparently she died at two oclock, what was i doing at two? did i feel anything strange then? i was waiting for the lad to arive, nothing felt any diferent. I was in the toilet worrying about missing the door, then i thought, 'its ok i can hear the door bell from here'..

Ive been thinking of the coversation with the brother in law. he seemed to think i was there when the will was writen. I wasnt, i was phoned and asked by our friend, to be a Exectutor. Dotty was there and witnessed the will. He seemed slightly nonplussed. Am i evil to think that maybe (i know hes been talking to a solicitor) he knows that an executor cannot witness the will? maybe thinking of a legel chalenge?.....fighting over the lad?

Just deliverd the lad back to our mutual friend, she is to tell him this evening. I must tell our son tommorow. Her daughter was eating tea, as ususal coverd in food, face, setee and floor.

monday

Been round at mutual friends letting our son play with the lad and her daughter. They stripped off and danced about inthe padeling pool but eventuly drove the daughter off with water pistols. She went round to our friend and reports that she has moved from her chair to the bed now. After soem conversation with the macmillan nurse she has decided that the lad should see his mum tommorow with the nurse in attendance, i think so she can maybe make our friend look a little better and in case hes really upset. He hasnt seen her for over a week, last time we saw him at the house he ignored her and didnt seem to look at her at all.