Sunday, cloudy

No contact yet. mutual friends partner dropped round and neither of us mentioned "it". He came to look at my new lathe. Wittered about acuracy etc... its 50 years old at least and i doubt its acurate in any way. I just want to have a go and see whats what. besides i "lack the temperament for the necisary acuracy". Been out to Lizard rally to mooch round. been a coupel of times before but this time we parked at Mun of fives house and snuk in without paying (more strolled in), maybe im feeling like i have bigger things to worry about that their money raising attempts. Bought a vice. Some nice guy off a forum offerd me a drill press with motor to power the vice, but i cant go get it so i declined, pitty that.

Yesterday Dotty said that our friend had been breathing fast then stopping breathing. I know this is a sign that the end of it is close. She may be dead now. I dont know. Im not sure i want to know.


Phone call from mutual friend. Our friend is still with us. We may visit tommorow. Aprently Mutual friend spent two hours there on saturday and the devil sis sought out a recording of our friend and her Ex singing. And she seemed perfectly civil etc. Wife said to her that when we were there she asked her some child care advice and she talked quite amicably, my comment was dont do that, she may be storing all this up to tell a solicitor... cynical or realistic?

at home

wifes still ill, dizzy etc.. its like i had when we moved house them pesky viruses that attacks when your being stressed. We were soposed to go see Dotty but couldnt as its 40 odd miles away. No other news, no phone calls nothing. Going out this morning to get milk i bumped into Earthsaver, she seemed bright as usual, anoyingly so. She bouces round adviseing everyone never to have a car or do anything really and she hasnt been to see our friend yet. I said if she wanted to see her she had better go very very soon, she seemed shocked at my comment, but rather blyth and well, sort of iritateingly bouncy. Ive been so tired today hardly able to keep my eyes open.

friday

Quiet today. morning spent wandering and aquireing plasticean for our son, missed Hotdog, he wasnt there when i went to see him at his street tradeing pitch. Again didnt buy a pully, right size wrong spindle size etc......

Just had a call from Dotty. She says our friend when she visited seemed more in touch with the world tho still saying odd things. She was left with her for two hours by devil sis. Obviosly a 70 year old isnt seen as a threat. Aprently she told her about her awful bitch of a sis lol.... i wonder if it rang any bells, i doubt it somehow. Dottys going to be at a rally tommorow, we may go as she seemed keen to chat and have contact. I told her of the devil sisters activities, she was pritty horrified, shes seen it before with her sis.

The tension has got to the wife she came home with a blinding migrane ad shes still got it, four hours latter. I just mostly feel wooden with ocasional flashes of dispar.

Quiet day

Went out, visited a friend with extreemy high and seemingly inexplicaibly high blood pressure, to the doctor anyway. She was wearing a 24 hour pressure monitor. Every half an hour it beeped and the cuf on her arm expaned. Took her to get some paint. Went home without anything i went out to get but some days are like that. Had a phone call from Hotdog. He was upset after visiting our friend. he hasnt seen her in this state and was shocked. I will go see him tommorow and chat. Might even get that forty quid he owes me.. oh and toys are us phoned, aprentlyy our son was intiltled to a "golden thomas the tank engine" at some time and they had run out, now thay have one for him.

We just returned from our friends house. The wife phoned our mutual friend before we went to get any information and the Devil sis has upset her again, claiming that our friends down here have tried to block her and exclude her and many other hurtful things. All she did was offer to look after our friend if devil sis wanted to go and have an hours brake... These people are measureing us by thier standards, what they would do and how they would act, i so wish people would not run so true and self unaware in these extreem cirmumstances, but they just carry on as they did before, bastards before bastards during and bastards after. ....

We phoned our friend before going round. She could talk but wasnt really understanding, im very glad devil sis didnt answer as im sure she would have said not to come. As it was we rushed over, devil sis darted out mumbeling and carrying her phone, went outside the gate and stayed there. I think shes talked to her evil husband. Gaylord was there, charming people and doing his gay act, i like him he seems unphased by anything and takes the world in his stride. The wife chatted to our friend and i looked after our son, telling him about the ants ont he wall etc. I coudlnt see the snowdrops anywere, evily i wondered if the devil sis had thrown them away or hiden them. Who knows. Noman arived pulling his shopping trolley as usuasl, with flowers , profusly apologiseing for not knowing til now of our friends decline. Hes a gardener, full beard down to his waist, bobble hat, trousers tucked, in a mad way into his socks. He sat holding her hand and talking. Gaylord left as we did. Before we left the wife tried to chat to devil sis, got some response too. I must admit i basicly ignored her. Im prity angry about her actions and couldnt trust my tongue. Just as we left the gate went and Bookwoman arived panting and rasping breathily, she has inoperable cancer too. but i gues one could say "better cancer" at least she is up and about. She said she dropped in on her way to have her hair cut by her niece, she joked, as she didnt know if tommorow it would be all fallen out. We left as she leaned on the wall catching her breath. Round girl arived too and sat... so many friends.

Why is it that often the good one dies? and the seemingly evil live?

Midweek

We went round to see our friend before i took the wife to work. She was sleeping, raspy breaths but seemed peaceful the devil sis said she had a hell of an awful night, i dont quite know what she ment by that, she has many offers to help, but dont take them up. While we were there i repaierd the snowdrops quietly, until i thought the devil sis probably thinks im steeling something , so i pointed out what i had done. I placed it next to our friend, hope she notices. Dotty arived to say hello, she told my wife that her psycic friend told her to visit today as tommorow would be too late.

When my mother was ill, at the ed the macmillan nurses im am certain tried to end her life peacefully, they set the drug delivery mechine to deliver 12 hours of diamorphine in the middle of the night, but it didnt work. She lasted three more days. they did this because me my brothers and dad were noticably falling apart with the tension and mum was suffering. Im sure they will do somthing similar with our friend when they decide the end is near anyway.... do you know there isnt many steps in pain killing? theres headache stuff , parectomol/asprin, codine, morphine, heroin (diamorphine), great ah. no majic things that doctors produce that controls pain. basicly its headache strength or drug induced semi coma.

I went out with our son to a tool shop and looked for a pully, but bought a coupl eof rubber mats to cover the drain covers hes slipped over on in the garden. On the way back i dropped in on our mutual friend to see how she was. Our friends lad was off with his grandad for the day but her banshie daughter was there. Her and our son played quite well together and we chatted. she said the devil sister is still quite well behaved, we discussed the brother in laws row with my wife. She was suprised and made conciliatory remarks as shes always found him the resonable one. She seemed suprised that i said i wanted to hit the bastard and remind him of some home truths. i probably wont, but hes on my shit list for sure. You can say stuff to me and i will shrug it off, but upset and attack my wife and i will get you eventuly. i will keep it for latter tho now its all about our friend and no one else.

We chatted and drank some tea, eventuly she sai d she had to go shopping, i volenteered to look after the kids while she was shopping, to give her a slight brake. They behaved quite well. But the daughter insisted on going padeling in a pool, in the rain, in her socks. I told her it woudl eb cold but she hopped in anyway then complained it was cold. I even fed them with marmite and bread. most of which the daughter tipped over her head for some reason known only to her.

Resting

This morning ive been out, to excape the phone and people either wanting a row or to tell me terrible things. So ive been out down to a remote friends place, she ahs five kids but only two of them were there. She was tellingme she went to school with Busta'bloodvessel (bad manners) and they used to go and sniff lighter fuel together, maybe that explains a lot. She know our friend and was appaled when i told her of the sis. She has some well loopy relatives too, tho i dont think shes all that blameless either. last year her mum gave her £1500 for driveing lessons and instead she bought a bloody mangy horse. Talk about buying a rod for your own back!

Im sure the rest of the day wil bring new shit...

Well who knows, when your dealing with somone so twisted. Wife just tried to phone and was rebuffed with "im in the middle of somthing ring back latter" which i would take as meaning she was in the middle of somthing but, its what she would say to our mutual friend constantly to fend her off... and wife has been talking more about last nights phone call to the brother in law. the more i hear the angryer i get... at present im about ready to deck him at the funeral, odiouse insulting little prick. Aprently our mutual friend says the sis is being ok at present, maybe shes transfered her hostility to us?... our mutual friend also said that the sis cant cope and needs help, how can we help tho? i wish it was her slowly dieing, im sure no one would half so upset.


We'r going to see our friend before wifes work early. take pot luck as she may not be aware of us or the careres may be there. I hope i remember the little white flowers i made to repare the automata....

monday angry

Ok.... friend is soposed to be comming home today and some arangments have been made etc all seems to be going quite well that i suntill the wife phone the brother in law, whos not even here but away makeing money somwhere in his lizard kingdom. We phoned to clear up soem misunderstanding they have about funeral arangments. i was asked to find out about funeral arangments by our friend. She wants to be intered in her home, so i found out for her told her the gen i got and ok job done.... aparently acording to fuckin' mr and mrs loopy as hell, i ve been makeing funeral arangments behind their backs. He said that from the first everyone down here has been obstructing them and not letting them know what was going on etc. Includeing telling the hospital not to tell them anything. Our mutual friend is down as next of kin so thats who the hospital tells everything. Its a good job that i wasnt talking to the brother in law because i might have let out some home truths. Like the time he discussed leaveing his mad controling wife after the kids left home. Or the fact that our friend told us she didnt want her sis looking after her, staying in her house no matter how bad she got and the sis didnt even make it onto the "whos to look after the lad" list. She was quite shockingly adimant on that. Our friend told our mutual friend that she "feared her sister" that she would take over and steamroller her when she was at her weekest....basicly that her sister was not to have anything to do with her..... im soo bloody angry, i feel liek being as obstructive as i can towards them, but that counterproductive, at least till after.


its gona be great acting as the wills executor with this bunch of wankers.

bloody sunday

Phone call from mutual friend. She had started to talk to sis and they were getting on with each other well. But sis was going on about the lad etc and mutual friend mentioned that they were legel gardians, and she went sort of nuts, claiming she didnt know and all she had been thinking of was our friend not the lad..... which is a straight lie. Our friend had a big row with sis in hospital last week (just before maybe causeing her decline) our friend said she didnt want sis in her house and she was never to look after her, and she was not to take the lad under basicly any circumstances. Practicalities tho, if she comes out tomorow her sis is the only one who can devote care to her, certain intimate things have to be done and while the ladies can maybe manage i know i cant. The lad has been with the sis and brother in law all week and mutual friend suspects they are planning to take him away, child snatch. They are legel guradians but that can be chalenged and i wouldnt put it past her to do so... mutual friend chatted to the woman in the next bed, who from overhearing sis talk, surmises that she is planning to chalenge the Will....... i dont know how much of this is hysterical chat etc and what is true but she has certainly told one blatant lie that she thinks wouldnt be found out. As ive said she probably dont have any close friends who talk to each other so she wouldnt know.

it is Sunday

Phone call as we were going out. Could we pick up the key from out mutual friend for our friends house. the sister and hubby and her son are up the hospital, theres someone requesting some stuff she seels and could we sort it out. So we go and get key and chat to mutual friend. Aprently the sister is alwasy bissy when she phone wanting to chat about how things will work out. So she ends up speeking quiet nothings to the brother in law. She knows the sis sees her as an arch rival and his being very huffy about everything. Shes upset that we are executors to the will and that son is to go to our mutual friend. Basicly she also trys to stop anyone visiting our friend. we told her last night that my wife had been instructed by our friend to sort out her acounts, and we needed to collect them and she got huffy about that, another friend sugested to our friend that she collect all her photographs in an album and with her in hospital went thro them anotateing them for her son in latter years, she didnt liek that at all. (latter i met her and told her to phone the hospital and ask our friend to tell her stupid sis to let her do it)

we went to the hosue and looked for the acounts but without sorting thro a lot of things we couldnt find them so we left a note. I sorted the order and will post it tommorow. while we were there "fearful" came round very upset, shes known our friend for 30 years. she cried on me and was generaly very tearful. Sis seems to have bought soem other family down includeing a baby to see our friend, she seems also to really think that she may come home on monday, i doubt it. part of the hospitals stratergy im sure is to make plans like this untill a person dies to keep eveyone going and planning things. I really hope she does come home to die... the wife also maybe dropped a clanger by syaing that mayeb the son shouldnt stay with her at night if she does come home. From her experience when her dad died when she was a child she saw nights as being the worst bit ( i cringed when she said this as i see it as like standing in front of a speeding train). Sis sees this as interfearing non family people. She really has no concept of what a good friend can mean. i dont think she has friends. Even her husband told our friend once he was planning to excape her when the kids left home. She sounds a complet monster, but she isnt , just unaware of what she is really like and part of the problem for everyone.

Our mutual friend was given a white envelope to look after by our friend and she thought it inapropriet that she have it, as we persume its her Will. So she sent it to us (a nutral corner) We told the sis we had the presumed Will but couldn't open it to see if it was, as it would be inapropriet. After eveything was over we would return it to our mutual friend. Now i think she sees us as against her too. Just act like a grown up ..please... how can people be so dificult.


Just back from the Hospital. Our friend looked very ill face yellow as a sad celebrity. Sagging she was fighting to keep her eyes open. she did recognise me and asked what i was doing, i told her and she smiled. Somehow that made it worse, there still is our friend in there, trapped inside a poison body that killing her brain, slowly. her sis and nephew were there, our mutual friend and soem other friends. We took turns in sitting with her. i didnt stay long, it hurts to much, which sounds selfish but this is how my mum went. odd feeling tho . Inside i feel wooden, like with my mum, like im not feeling properly, like somthing in me has shut down. Last time with mum , i think it took the arival of our son to start it again and then not till he comunicated with me.

While we were there the hospital organiser aproched us and made arangements for a proper hospital electric bed to be delivered to her house, inquireing if it would fit etc... she said they hoped to get her home tommorow. I hope so too. Our mutual friend said she had had a good chat to her brother in law, very positive and productive and she felt much better now about the son etc. I hope the sis gets the message.

Feels like Sunday

Wondering what to do today we recived a phone call from our mutual friend. Can we meet her at the hospital main entrance, take care of the kids for a while, while she see how our friend is and talkes to the nurses. So we did. Tho in the event the wife went in first for a tiem and found her with another friend who hadnt seen her before, she was nice and witterd along amicably. i went to se eher next and spent most of the time talking to her. Our friend looked very bad, legs and feet swollen, body thin but belly distended. Eyes grey in the iris. She was asleep or at least with eyes closed much of the time, She was when awake fighting to open her eyes, wavering her head and seemed to be desterbed by periferal halucinations. Eventuly i left to look after the kids, i must admit i was glad to leave.... the wife and i had three kids to shepard around, our mutual friends daughter is a pain in the arse, she shreeks like a banchie, takes thing from the other kids, dont listen and askes the most stupid questions, like "have you got hair", while looking straight at you. After too long our mutual friend came out and asked us if we could take the kids back to her house as our friends sister was comming to take the lad swimming. So we set out across the car park, her daughter asked to hod the key and promised not to let if go or loose it. Within ten seconds she had lost it and claimed to have given it to my wife. We serched and found it in a fold of her dress... like i said shes not right that girl.... So we went back and waited, eventuly they came and took the lad swimming (tho the sis sent her husband in to fetch him... which i find strange, but then im not a possesive mad woman)... and our mutual friends partner turned up and we chatted till she turned up too, she had helped wash our friend. She told us they were moveing her to a single room, a room that has probably seen many people die slowly. She also said that the lad had asked this morning "if mummy was going to die" and she told him "yes it looked that way"... he seemed ok tho.

I find myself concerend today about a coment our mutual friend made yesterday. She was talking of our friends wish to be intered in her house. She said it would "limit its renting posibilities" this sound to me like the start of backtracking and justification for disobeying her last death bed wishes. I wil try not to let this happen.

raining today, fairly steady gentle warm rain. I excaped to the shed for some time this afternnon and the sound f rain on the roof was so very nice i almost cried (big boys dont cry)... fidled with thing to no great end, just proved my own incompitance with tools.

end week

Phoned our mutual friend. to see how her daughter is after her fit. Mild one due to comming off the anti fit drugs aprently. Shes ok for school today. She told me of the meeting between our friends son and the doctors and a nurse. they set up this meeting in a quiet libury bit of the hospital, to chat about his mums illness etc, try to settle any questions he had. But, he said he didnt have any, and "why dont we talk about snakes instead?".... "or you can ask me questions...about snakes.".. we laughed about it. he seems to have questions tho', but he chooses who to ask them of. He asked my wife about ghosts etc, but not me yet.


Earthfriend dropped round and gave us a house warming plant. She went to collage with our friend, she kindly offered to put up our friends sis to keep them slightly apart. i gave her our mutual friend phone number, as she seems to be stuck with being the main line organizer. Mutual friend seems to think ive been made a "trustie" of the estate while i was under the impression that is was just an "executor " of the will. She want me to be a trustie to buffer the sisters influence, im ok with that.

Dam dam

Phone calls im now dredding the phone ringing... Mutual friend just rang in tears. Our friend has been given at most two weeks to live. the vomiting and halucinations are due to obstructed bile. She has been told, son is to go in and chat to doctor this evening.

Why is it so very cruel? She was told a year now its two weeks. And two weeks of .... well i cant say its too painfull.

Mutual friends daughter also had a fit again this morning (she has controled epilepsy). we are all cracking under strain. This is how it feels to sit and wait for your friend to die. i cant stare into this abyss for too long, empathy is a curse now.

Wife phoned her in hospital this evening. She sounded so tired, vague and she didnt know what day it was. In the background i could hear her son and our mutual friend. We said we would visit Saturday. I have to forget this to rest now, everynight i have to be exhausted to sleep.

midweek

News isnt good. Shes been halucinateing due maybe to liver malfuntion and bile build up. Shit this isnt good. I wished she had some time to be...just be. Our mutual friend is planning for the worst sooner rather than latter. Dint even get the chance to repair the snowdrops.... idle bastard that i am ive just stupidly wiled the day away probably worked about half an hour all day and most of that was to make it apear that id done something. Spent afternoon talking to other friends in thier garden, drinking tea and talking crap. Im prity disgusted with myself.

not really here

I'm not soposed to be here, im soposed to be sitting with my friend all night. But i had a phone call this afternoon from dotty, she was visiting our friend and the Macmillan nurse had just been, and was in the process of haveing her admitted to hospital. She realy wanted her in the Hospice, but they hadn't a bed till tommorow (now that is... slightly too presice). The macmillan nurse suspects she has too much calcium in her blood and it needs sorting out. She did sound very sleepy and week. I feard she might die this afternoon.

Latter our mutual friend phoned to tell me not to go to sit with her, which i already knew. but good news too, her partner aprently has no doubts now and has the lad is to come to live with them. She had a moan about our friends sister, who selfishly seems intent on presureing her dieing sister, and amazeingly to me sulking and despite being told not to, ariveing latter this week. Our friend gets very upset by her... what sort of a person does this to a dieing person?.

Latter this afternoon i had a call that suprised me, it was our friend, sounding quite perky. From hospital, she had the solicitor there adviseing on her will and getting it sorted. Me and the wife are to be executors, mainly to avoid the mutual friend and her sister being further thrust into an adverseriel position. Tho that seems imposibly optimistic, aprently she brisles when she sees her... people dont change even in extreems, they dont get any better people or nicer, i can well see why the lad is not to go to her.

Monday

Tomorrow im sitting our friend over night. I hope shes well for this, as i must admit im sort of dredding it. I have to put her son to bed, tho feeding them has been taken care of by a home help shes aquired. I will have to take a book as its pritty certain im going to be just sitting till i fall asleep, then i have to get her son to school, always a battle!. As a tiny contribution to her happyness today ive made some little flowers of epoxy putty. Couple of years ago i made all our friends little automata for xmas, hers was a snowdrop that just bobbed up and down when you truned the handle. She cried whan i gave it to her, shes does that if things are beautiful. She cried while rideing a staem carosel when the wife and the kids were on a trip to a steam railway... anyway the snowdrop was incompitently made. I used Daz modeling clay which is too fragile and the flowers that waved about fell off. I saw it on the shelf by her bed last time i visited. So im going to make it better. Im thinking maybe fix it while she is asleep and maybe she will notice its been fixed when im not there and be charmed at least a little. Or maybe not notice at all.

What use is Sunday?

Been out suffering the agony of looking for shoes with wife. Quite a record she bought some in only 15 minets in one shop! Cheep too, she blotted her copybook soon after tho by going all spendy when a "tag along bike" was offered as ex-display for £75 rather than £99... been looking for one for some time but ive never been able to bring myself to spend the money. Its part of her get hubby fit secret plan.

Dropped into our mutual friends on way back, friends lad was there, with her daughter haveing a bath. Chatted to her partner about electric motors for my ancient lathe and then how he was going to replace the half shaft on his landrover.
Then went to friends to drop in for a minet. She looked terrible, so tired. As we arived her "sitter" arived that was "fearful J" , who hobbles round on a bad leg and back, but aquired her knickname due to an over arching gloom, she really is like a wet week end. She once bought something i made and loved it so i think shes ok.

We took a chair outside and made her sit looking at the harbour in the shade (the doc said not to get out in stong sun, my thinking is maybe sun would do her jaundice some good) Inside her eyes looked ok but in real sunlight they looked very yellow.

Ended up with wife takeing the lad and our son to beech for an hour. Our friend cried, she says the lad dont even want to be with her for a minet... while out the lad held tight onto my wifes hand and ask lots of questions about his mum dieing. Ending up with what if.. friend died too... then the list of prospective gardiens dieing. Hes trying to understand but i sopose he feels like maybe his mum is leaveing him sort of deliberately. When wife returned she has talk with our friend. Shes soo frightened for her lad, wife lost her dad at same age and tried to tell her that a seven year olds prospective on things isnt like ours.

While there i looked at her two Goldfish, happily swimming around, chaseing each other, looking very healthy. She nursed one back to health when it had some sort of black rot on its body, when everyone else (shamedly me as well) said, just buy another one, took months to get better. And ive never noticed goldfish looking so happy and interactive. I crossed my mind that they would out live my friend now. I had to bite down hard to stop crying then.

Saturday

Wife and our son and me went off for the day to abig steam fair (Boconoc) wanderd round. That steam and coal smell always lifts my spirts, for no good reason other than theres enthusiasts around. Enthusiasts en-mass arnt at all frightening like "normal" crowds. They have an interest other than drinking/fighting being idiots. They have a life. they are brave enough to try things. they create something out of nothing much. Oh and i bought a lathe, true to form its was cheep (£80) and not empleat but ive fooled myself into thinking i can fix that (probably just dreaming and self delusion) it needs a motor (but ive convinced myself that an old washing mechine motor is suitable, probably right up till a cursory glance tells me diferent, hell im enjoying the glow of dreaming and posetion without reality right now) .. its here on the liveing room floor now looking old (its probably more than 50 years old maybe older)... our sons been playing with it imgaining that the wheels etc are train controls.
Our friends son was going to acompany us to the fair but our mutual friend and he wanted to go to his school fair. Dotty old lady was there selling her nicknacks, friends jewlery and for indeciferable reasons some land rover parts. We chatted she happened to say our friend looked very well apart from the yellow eyeballs. After some listening to her i surmise that she thought the loss in weight had made our friend look better/prittyer. i think just the oposite. Shes always been bigger and busteling now she looks pained and old. Another friend who suffered cancer but recoverd (coincidently when her son was 7 too, and when told, her mother might die, responded with "does that mean i can have your sterio"... while my friends sons response yesterday was "will you become a ghost, cos i dont like ghosts") said she has only ever felt good about her body when she was emaciated from cemo therapy and throwing up everything she eat... maybe thin envy is a sickness in it self.

a brief visit

this morning i dropped in on our friend (after getting a couple of paint brushes and delivering the long delayed sign to Hotdog)... i found my friend and our mutual friend in tears. It seemes our mutual friends partner has said he's "worried" about takeing on the son. Now they are both worrying about it, tho i wonder if "worried" means what they think it means. Id be "worried" too, tho not stopped by it. He worries about money. he comes from a family concerned with money and due to this concern he has ended up with investments that ment he has a small income. So he mostly lounges round all day talking about what he'd like to make and never doing it. (heaven)... My friend had told her son that morning that she was going to die. Im not sure what a seven year old can take abourd but she explained that thier little house (ironicly its a converted old mortuary) would eventuly become his when he was old enough. I think she told him he would go and live with our mutual friend till he was old enough... the partner last time i saw him cornerd me in his garage and said that the son would have the house in trust and income form rent, so maybe the "worry" is about that.
My friend also told me she wanted to be buried in the house she loves so much (and has sacrificed a lot to have. Things like food etc). It seems grim but i pointed out it was built straight on the bed rock. She has give it all some thought and asked if i could find out (on the net, where?) if she could be intered upright in the back wall..... i will try to find out, maybe ask an undertaker.


ive just been to do just that... and he thought there were three problems to it.. planning permision(tho he said another local authority didnt ask fo rit tho this one he thought did) the water company want to know if thier water is going to be poluted and any buriel has to be marked on the deeds. he phoned a mate at planning and nowdays it apears they dont ask for planning permision, so thats one down. He house is litteraly in a grave yard so water shouldnt object and well deeds are of no consiquence. £12000 for buriel plus any bulding makeing of vaults etc...

still going on

Yesterday got put on rota to stay with our friend on next Tuesday night and wife on Wednesday. Her sis has to go back for a week and arange things. So friends have to stay with her. Its not going to be easy for me, i saw my mum die this way, and it dont get any esier. Shes feeling a little better aprently and the machmillan nurse and Mari Currie Nurses are makeing visits. God they deal with this all day, they must have iron neves, tho i sopose they arnt personaly involved. The mamillan nurse did cry when my mum died, then sat on the bathroom floor empying £800 worth of Diamorphine down the loo (we tried to take it back to the chemist but he wouldnt acept it).... Its been hot today here again. now the sea breaze has dropped and it feel much hotter till it returns going the other direction.

friend seemd to be feeling a little better on phone just now. She has mutual friend and daughter sitting tonight.

day off

Ive had a day off from it all today. More or less relaxing, not counting the minets of my friends life.

Been makeing things, pottering around (which im good at). Its been hot today (86) storms soon i'll bet.

another tommorow

Went and sat chatting to my friend this morning, helping to move furniture about, keep her company. her 80 year old dad was there keeping bissy poor chap. My friend is still being sick despite jabs to stop it. She gave me some jewlery for my wife and i bought some gold leaf (£7.35) i agve her a cheque for £107.35... to help out. this isnt a triffeling quatity of money for us but its well placed to help out. my mother in law is sending some to help her too.

i was sitting with my gravely ill friend today, chatting, when she recived a phone call....
"Hello is this *******"
"yes it is how can i help you?"
" I represent a private health plan with good beinifts should you or your family fall ill, and its only......"
"I dont think you woudl take me on as ive just be disagnosed with cancer.."
"For example, our mangeing directors wife has found out she has diabeates and she got one hundred thousand po....oun....dssss.... errr"
"And its terminal"
"errrrrr, sorry"
"Ok bye then"
"Bye"


we did laugh even at this grim time.


i blush to say this but i think i use lust to cope. Her sister was fussing about in some cardboard box or other, wearing black trousers.... you cna gues whats comming now. idely i noticed she was wearing a thong... even as i thought "oh a thong2 i knew that was inapropriet. But my brain did it never the less...not that i fancy her sister at all, its just automatic.. what a bloody sad git i am! Actuly im tempted to delete that...but i havent, anyone reading this now thinks im obsesed, and they might be right. Shucks im cute and cuddely really. I can see you dont belive me.

Here today...

We have been trying to forget the situaton. been out to Sunday lunch in a pub, very nice it was too, then to a beach and paddeling. When we came home it came back to haunt us tho, i had to tell someone else who didnt know, over the phone. And have long conversation with dotty old lady, very sadly shes suffering bad, her husband died of similar a few years ago, and now poor dear is reliveing it all over and over again.

Im finding myself looking new at things. The flowers are extra red in the pub garden etc. the girl serveing seems extra nice (thight skirt, thong.... sorry somtimes i really am a dirty old man). the beech was, well very hot, sunny and i feel its burnt my face now. Lots of ladies in swimsuits, hell where should a guy look at these times. cant touch so whats the point?... i think this is odd. When younger i very much wanted everything i saw. I had a strong desire for say a car/bike i liked and literaly lusted after it, wanted posetion. Povery and reality have knocked that out of me. Now i can look and not desire, well everything exept ladies. Now dont get me wrong, im not some sort of dribbeling oggleing monster, im realtively normal i think. i just know i desire females. I have alot of female friends, in the majority even (well i am a househusband). And i desire them all, at the same time if posible!... but i know its not going to happen, apart from anything else im incapable of noticeing anyone reciprocateing the lust. I just cant catch the signs, probably too bissy mentaly undressing them...shurgs and wanders off into the sunset.


Our friend has been back to hospital. She was being sick so much she had to get soemthing to stop that. Back out this evening hopefully. We were told onthe phone but our mutual friend wasnt, we are wondering if the sister is trying to edge out what shes sees as a rival for the son. I hope no one can be that evil.

running thro treacle

Some days ah....just everyone around me seemed to be takeing oddly stupid decisions, makeing dim remarks and being to dammed slow.... maybe its me tho.... Saw my friend she was home and laying on her little day bed type thing, but obviosly in pain and again being sick. Went with her sister to see if we could find a small bed for her, she seemed ok but my friend finds her controling and competative. She wants her son, seemingly like a trophy/link to her dieing sister. Acording to our friend she is very upset about her son not going to her but to our much more suited mutual friend. She actuly said to our friend, "have you told dad that he will never see his grand son ever again?".... which i find evil. No one is sugesting he gets cut off from his blood realtives. Why dont people change at times like these, are they soo self centered as to see someone dieing as an opertunity to gain things, it seems sadly to be so, still scouring points, still compeating, still an arse hole.

another day deeper in debt

I waited in all day again. but didnt get the call to collect her. But good news she is home, with son and sister and father in attendance!.. im so glad she made it home, so far so good. My mother in law also phoned and said she was giveing us £300 to be distributed to our friend as she needs it, quietly.
Today i spent avoiding doing what im soposed to be doing, im stupidly lazey. Some one came round to have me serch the net for a landrover he wants to buy.... that was quite dull really.

At the risk of letting stuff, well out of the bag ive been thinking about my ill friend. She is one of the hardest working people i know. her small amount of money works really hard for her and she works really hard to get it. Unfortunately she has set ideas about what she is going to do and sometimes (well always) its not a great sucess. She also has the ability to get guys to do stuff for her. I know i am one of those guys. And considering that, i have come to the conclusion...rather red faced... that its down to her large breasts. Not that any of the guys, or me, get to do anything with the breasts. But we know they are there. (when pregnant she went up to a J cup bra, a fact i find sooo facinateing) And guys as a rule are sad shallow things, attracted to breasts. Ive talked to friends (guys) in the street who just totaly stop talking when a girl walks past in a short skirt. Thier eyes rake her like a wolf then they start talking again.... i mean what are they hopeing to see? Even if she were naked they wouldnt be in the que for the action.... why do we do it?... cos we are poor sad sexual beings, with few programs to run but for our brains to think we have a chance to impregnante every girl we see and wander off to the next. Our gay friend lives for casual sex, formerly "cottageing" but now he decided to get paid for it as "massage" thats what guy do without the civiliseing influence of females. Wham bam thank you sir/man. A minet tops, no forepaly, just release then on to the next if at all posible, useing the moments of repose to spot the next encounter.

daft as a brush

yesterday wife chatted to the lady i told of friends illness at the show at the weekend. Shes a sliglty dotty old lady (70 odd?).. and thro circumstance she finds herself liveing in a caravan in her friends back garden. At week end she tows it to shows and sells odd knick nacks. When i first saw her at weekend she was saying how our friend wasnt all that ill really, till i had to tell her the full extent of her illness. Poor dear was shocked and had to dip into her wine cupbord. Last night she said she dosent think our friend is "long for this world" and suprise suprise she has a "psycic" friend who says similar... lord save us from dotty, upsetting old ladies.

today im waiting in for the call i hope will mean she is comming back to her home and child....

sleep

we hoped she would be home today but no. Shes been being sick all last night and today wasnt up to going home. We went to visit her but she was asleep so we left a note on the chair.... she looked peaceful curlled up on the bed, even beautiful. I wanted to cry when i saw her, but big boys dont cry.



spent the afternnon talking with the mutal friend. Shes sought legel advice on the son. Which im glad about. Interesting split between people like us, poor basicly and her (she comes from a "profesional family")... out view of Sociel services is rather Dickensian and hers is that they are there to help...... she hasnt ever had any contact with sociel workers.

nother day

No news of our friend, yet. Ive been contemplateing the nautre of illness. Seems to me that there are three ages of Hospitals/doctors... birth and all the parafinalia that intails all the aparent trauma. blood and guts. gas and air, screeming and moaning. The the childhood A&E visits, the fish hooks in the finger, the falling out of a tree and the getting run over, things. then theres a lull, your fit and well and a teen ager. Fighting fit and never going to die, but aquireing habits that will add to your ill health latter on.. The back to the birth thing (so thats not really number three just it going round again) you find a partner and breed (so enter the whole A&E phase again, only spectateing now) and then old age. When everything is going wrong and your body is proped up by drugs and treatments. Every old lady in the post office chats incesantly about hysterectomiese and bad legs, they seem to enjoy ill health. nothing more enjoyable to them than someone elses new and interesting illness. Even thier clouths are now silected in the colour range or chemist shops. Soothing blues and pinks.

Hospitals are kept too dammed warm, they feel like being in one gient germ culture dish. No air, no space not cluttered with well used aluminium trollys and the fetish gear of illness.


wife has chatted to her on phone tonight, aprently she was quite perky with ill effects from cemo amounting to a slight rash on cheeks and swolen soles of her feet (wife remarked that she needed some rosey cheeks to combat the yellow and swolen feet ment she was taller now).. any way her dad and sister were there and im maybe going to take them all to her house tomorow in car. Which will be interesting. These are "normal" people we'r dealing with, my car is sooo very small. Friend will be ok in front but her dad (i think he's 70 odd) will be in back and sis will have to adopt what the wife calls the giveing birth position behind me, cos i have long legs.


While visiting my friend i noticed that the lady in the bed oposite was reading a Thriller novel. It raised questions about what is suitable for somone near death to read. Thrillers are always full of casual killing. Dozens of people disposed off without a thought. I once counted the deaths that James Bond was responsible for in "you only live twice" i think, it was 143 before i got bored. I mean i rememeber feeling uncomfortable watching films with my mum when she was ill, throw away death seems wrong.

another day

Wife was just off the phone to the hospital. our friend is up today. Feeling ok after being nuked and they asy she may be home for week end, which is the best news for a week. They have been pumping water into her viens and shes seems to be doing well on it. Today to get away from it all, being the coward i am i went to see another friend 30 odd miles away. She has five kids so she is well ocupied. We did as we usualy do and bitched about kids and our friends.. then i told her the news again (she had been told over the phone last night) and she cried. Im a guy, i rarely cry and dont know how to handle it really. I apologised for upseting her, stupid really, it was nature that upset her not me. I just heard a net friends son has killed himself yesterday too... i feel surounded by death now, on the edge of a dark well... but not too dispondant, if that makes sense?

My friend has a councilor and they have been in contact with a private charity, who have awarded her £500 so that she can have some time at home without money worrys.

life as we know it

Dear reader, if indeed anyone reads this, this is me trying to make any sort of sense of what has occured over the last couple of weeks. Names have been changed to protect who knows who, probably me. My old english teacher probably should stop now or explode in a furry of spelling and gramatical mistakes, sorry mis rodgers you failed.
The story so far... for weeks a friend of mine has been ill. First the doctor said it was IBS. Then miraculosly she became sudenly diabetic, then not. then she had Plurisy. takeing big doses of pain killers she became unable to eat, throwing up constantly and in great pain. she hd huge balc rings round her eyes and looked simply awful. Eventuly she went yellow, even her eyeballs went yellow. Another visit to the doctors and she was sent imediaetly to hospital where they decided she had gallstones.... till they did a scan and now they say she has cancer of the liver , pancreas etc etc. At the moment they are hopeing to control it for a time, a years life has been mentioned but that seems highly optimistic. They were hopeing to start cemo therapy yesterday but she was so dehydrated they couldnt do that or today it seems. Tho from a phone call an hour ago she maye be undergoing it right now. what complicates it is she has a seven year old son. We (her friends) are hopeing that she will come back to her home and have some time with him, its our only hope really. My wife and i looked after her son over the week end and handed him to another mutual friend for the rest of the week. In the past she has said and now says infaticly that he is to live with our mutual friend if anything happens to her. yesterday i tried to impress on her that they must organize it properly so the sociel workers dont get thier filthy little hands on the poor lad.

Today ive had to tell two people onthe phone what has happend, it dont get any easier. my mum died from cancer and i saw it happen, my mate from collage died from cancer of the pancreas too, i was told after he died, but that didnt make it easier to handle to randomness of it. I sthis how we end?.. in an overly hot hospitla ward, surounded by terribly thin peopel with no hair? carred for by imposibly young and bright doctors...