Wednesday

Well fuck me backwards. Letter from the redundancy insurance people, despite the seemingly surly phone call, they are going to pay out!.....good news at last!

Monday

Sons sedate version of his birthday party this afternoon. Sedate as the Mother in law is here, and well she's 83-ish and has some odd ideas about kids and how they should behave, not that she's over strict just plain odd, and one can see the kids not understanding what the hell she's going on about. Anyway Son friends son and mutual friends daughter where here. For some reason unknown to logic and common sense, negotiation for our son to go to a local steam/fair thing ended up with a phone call to mutual friends partner The Prof, who said a very understandable flat NO adding that he couldn't cope with three kids!... which i entirely understand and personally i wouldn't have asked him, but all the females in the area seem to have gone collectively "difficult"!... anyway i said after the daughter went, that wife and grandma should go to the park and they agreed, or so i thought. Of course i should know by now it wasn't going to be that easy to get two hours peace... The wife proceeded to drink tea at an incredibly slow pace.. i mean like three quarters of an hour, while i ground my teeth in frustration, just knowing my chance of quiet was slipping away and no amount of hinting would make a difference. It was like hinting to a plank of wood....eventually grandma completely missed the point and said she was staying here ....so fuck that... i said Ok and went out...

Drove way down to the end of the country, drove past Lennies place. Stopped outside for a moment, and realised it must be the anniversary of his death, as MinL was down then, she comes down for our sons birthday each year. Maybe even the same date...

Drove back to find them still dithering and prevaricating tortoise lady came round and they dithered more all of which means in pissed off and our son is set to be horribly tired tomorrow and ive got to fucking live with that and MinL while wifes at work..

Friday

Went to deliver some things i printed out to Fivemum (how to make Bio diesel for the new G-wagon and a handbook off the net for her washing machine) She wasn't in, so i just left it on the door step... soon as i got home she phoned, she had been at a school thing, she was quite upset though, yesterday she and hubby went to the inquest of the motorcyclelist who hit their van some time ago. Hubby had to testify, and was cross examined by the guys father, who was obsessed with blaming someone for his son death, going on and on about the vans MOT (which it had) and when it ran out, which hubby didn't know... Three witnesses testified that the bike was travelling at high speed and wheelied across the round about before hitting the van after overtaking a car. The driver of the car imedietlly behind the van said the bike flashed past him then exploded in flames as it hit. All three commented they all had kids in their car and were horrified by what might have happened to them.
The Autopsy report was a revelation, he had multiple healed and fixed injuries, face reconstruction and broken bones, all from bike accidents. What a shit biker he was, How did they think his life was going to end? A written statement rather stupidly said they saw him "In the zone" and riding well just up the road, why that was read out i have no idea.His wife ended on a statement that he was a "true biker to the end"...no he was a dangerous fucking twat.
The insurance solicitor kept hubby chatting in the court, fivemum thinks to keep him from having to leave with the guys friends who packed the court. Typically Hubby wanted to go say "sorry" to them, luckily Fivemum dissuaded him, they obviously thought it was his fault, even though he was stationary and the bike struck the (big) van hard enough to spin it round and turn it over.


I went to get Son from school, on returning there was a package on mat addressed to him. It was some sweets and a birthday card.. with love from Mr and Mrs Fussy.. maybe they bought it when she was alive last week...Son said... " one of them is dead".. i said "yes, Mrs fussy is dead...nice of them to think of you isnt it" "yes " he said "it is"...

Thursday

Saw Mr handy, he seemed almost normal, for him anyway. chatted as of old. His wife has some pill she bought of the net, supposed to calm one down and aid your brain in lots of way, looking at the label its condensed Green tea...


Got an odd phone call from Mortgage insurance company, wanted to speak to wife to tell her of her claim decision, but said in any case they were sending a letter. She was at work and home after they finished. The woman phoning seemed cold and offhand, i presume that means as i predicted they are not going to pay out, cunts.

Monday

Dropped our son off at school and wife at work and went on to the crematorium. Bit early i parked away from the main building, glad to see someone i recognised, Ms Fussys far next door neighbour. (hes a funny old git type, once i was delegated to water her garden while they went on holiday, with a hose pipe. But Mr.Fussy turned off the water before leaving, so i got about a bucket of water out of it then it ran dry!. Old git was in his garden making sure i didn't steal anything i think, i told him and he said he had the key but couldn't let anyone in.... ) Anyway, there as usual was no indication of what to do, so i sort of hung round a group of people at an entrance (complicated by there being two chapels) Old git joined us with some other older people, one of which said he hadn't seen me for ages, though i have no idea who he is.

Typically theses things are either muddling through or regimented like a military operation. I spotted Ms Fussy's name on the board, first of the day ten o'clock. Wandering in with a lot of others, all in their funeral suits, me in my black sweat shirt and black hair ribbon (last worn at our friend funeral)...light death music, then "A'int that a kick in the head"! as the coffin came in (looked too short for her, glitzy plastic handles, glued on crooked too) with guy in top hat and Mr Fussy. The local vicar Batman arrived. looking more crow-like than usually, his sash and cassock looking worn and his face even more so...All the usual stuff, odd hymn prayers that made Christianity to be a real "slave religion". then a Hymn "Lord of the dance" (surely the lord of the dance is pan or Satan himself?) some words on her life and her love of dancing. She must have looked lovely "Latin dancing" tall an willowy, elegant and lithe. I drifted off thinking how sexy she must have looked.

Then the coffin dissapering behind some electric curtains. Words about art and artists being a religion as they had hope that life was about more that it appeared (sadly i don't believe that any more, maybe i'm a bad artist... probably i am) i got sad when batman talked of Matisse dance painting, that one lady who's hand don't quite link with the others, forever slightly apart fro them dance.The last music was "I love to Boogie"...File out, shake hands with Mr Fussy, i notice that the hurse driver is the granddad of one of out sons friends, i smile at him. Lots of the ladies are in tears, some laughter, even Mr Fussy smiles. I tell him that if i can help in anyway...etc... slowly i circulate further away, then to the car... i didn't go to the "thing" after.


I remember Mr Fussy taking wife and i to hospital, 2 o'clock in the morning, 25mph all the way, with wife leaking her waters onto a towel and me saying DRIVE FASTER....

Saturday

..i must go to Ms Fussys funeral on Monday.

Mr Handy is in a bad way too, i think, well he thinks more psychological than physical. Last week i went round and he was intermittently pained. Sitting chatting for a bit , he would suddenly curl up his fists in his eyes and eventually he went to bed. He seemed much agitated by a part of a program he had written, that had by some odd interaction started to work before he actually put its working parts in place, if anything it seemed to frighten him.

This week he was out of bed greeted me Ok, but occasionally he seemed to fall asleep or at least "phase out" with eyes closed. Apparently last week his wife was very worried about him as he couldn't get out of bed , at all. and she called Kernowdoc, who are known to be useless (the out of hours doctor service)They said as it was an emergency they would take 4 hours to get to him! FOUR FUCKING HOURS! So they advised phoning the Ambulance, who arrived very quickly. Set up two machines to monitor his heart. One they had trouble making work as someone had put the paper in wrong. Anyway they examined the traces with His wife and pronounced him fine, but they thought highly stressed. And they said that Kernowdoc were useless and always shuffled off their patients on them so they didn't have the responsibility. Also that they had been flying in Polish Doctors (at £4000 a time) just for the week ends as Local Doctors are too idle to work.

Mr handy said to me that he had a "Systems crash" that his brain had just been too active for too long and that it shut down.....

Wednesday

Last night, sitting watching telly, the phone rang, ive grown almost phobic about the phone, so i let the wife answer it, im glad i did...." oh im so sorry.... where is it?...flowers?".... our old next door neighbour died from Ovarian cancer yesterday. She was a tall elegant lady, overly fussy and pernickerty but sweet with it. her husband will be lost, i hope he takes comfort in his religion. Im not sure what it is but he lent me a book on Sufism once so i suspect its a hippy combination of that....

We went to their wedding reception, where he made a rambling speech about falling down a cliff then finding her to hold onto. He employed me to paint their stairs too once, £30 a day, money we needed then.

Wife is on day tow of a temp job, maybe 8 weeks or 12 weeks it unclear. Its in a travel agents. they have taken on another travel agents that's gone bust and she said the accounts department "Lost interest" in the last few months, so its a mess. The others in the office seem Ok in any case to busy to worry the wife, which is good. She's discovered they might need a new travel agent too, not for her, but to try to seduce the other girl from her former office, get her away from them, contribute to messing them up. She's always wanted to be a travel agent apparently.

Saturday

i took son to Dairyland for mutual friends daughters birthday. Clamouroius noisy place all day i alternated to being disgusted with the surrounding family's and admiring their patience, no children were clobbered, none were hung upsidedown out of the windows, though many deserved it. The girls working there must have ear of steel and the patience of Job. I couldn't do their organised party thing for ten minuets without running screaming from the echoing cacophony. As is usual with me i did little, just sat chatted to a lady for a bit. wandered a bit, talked to a parrot. The kids loved it, our son attaching himself to our friends son, all day. I cant take pleasure in any of it, but i can appreciate the kids enjoying it... but at what cost to me!

Arriving home to find wife had very much missed us being there all day...i must admit when she and son stay out most of the day when they arrive i have missed them but mostly i do really thing "oh fuck that's my peace up the creek"...

Wednesday

Boy am i pissed off today, well more than usual. wife's been prevaricating about sending off the mortgage insurance form, and her last ploy was having to go to citizens advice place only open today... They phoned the insurance company but they would give an answer, said they would have to talk to the employer... who will undoubtedly fuck it up just to fuck over someone. So that's doomed, i was doing some mock ups for Hotdogs next sign, and the wife gave me all this crap about the insurance then blithely informed me id spelled bacon wrong, i was so fucking angry i nearly exploded, ripped up the mock ups threw them away and had to go out to the shed and fume, then stand about not talking.....I've just given up nagging her for anything other than cups of tea, she just seems to sail along, which i cant do, i've been screwed too long by the world to trust it to do anything other than worry impotently... i can feel the house going, s;lipping through our fingers and theres nothing i can do at all....i want to scream and shout ...where the fuck are we going to live then fucking hells fuck fuck fuck... but its all futile, everything i do is futile.